And just like that…..the seasons changed.
Snow has found her way here to the Bountiful benches in Utah. The autumn trees still pregnant with red and golds and burt orange beauty now find themselves laced in the gentle white of freshly fallen snow.
I am a winter girl. I love the feel of the air as the snowflakes settle, I love the clarity that seems to always be there on a winters night. I love that the feeling of being wrapped up inside of yourself and preparing to endure.
I put on my coat this morning and wrapped up in my scarf and pulled my hair up off my neck and walked outside to feel the change…..the change of the seasons. Not very often do we get to feel it so suddenly, it usually advances upon us slowly in the cimmerian moments of night, smoothly changing from the warm comfortable feelings of summer to the crisp moments of fall and onto the bitter of winter. But so slow is her change that we do not sit up and take notice. Not the case today. Just two days ago found me in a tank top and jeans walking the sidewalk suspended in sunlight and today…my hair pulled gently up so I can feel the kiss of the cool air on the back of my neck my eyes falling upon the snow touched hills.
What in the world does this have to do with anything you might ask. I will tell you. It made me think of death and the loss of relationships. The different ways change comes about. Having to say goodbye to the ones that we love most in this world. I am going to give you two very different stories that sing a song of moments that are now but black and white memories in my mind.
For those of you who do not know, my husband Alan took his life on May 27th, 2008. His 45th birthday.
That event could not have found me any more dismayed. Alan and I were married 16 years. Our life was a fairy tale, I loved that man more then anything. Yet in the cool wind on that night in Idaho, he laid himself down on the cold garage floor and simply floated away into the starry night.
My entire life I have struggled with abandonment. I have this trepidation wrapped in a pretty gold box secured with a crimson red ribbon that I keep hidden on the shelves of my soul. Loving people has never been a problem for me, and having them love me right back resonates with ease. Yet somewhere I keep a little piece of my heart held tight so that when they leave, because they always do, that I have a pure little piece of myself to begin to build again.
So Alan’s choice to take his life with no warning, no signs, no admonition was in a way the ultimate casting aside. I have thought a lot about those moments. The moment I heard my mother had found his body and how in that instance my eyes looked into Jennifer’s with pleading tears.
My thoughts then carried me to wonder why that way? That was the thing in this life that I feared the most. Having the people whom I love leave me. My conversations then turned to God and I asked him, “If you know that is the thing that would take me to the very edge of surviving why would you let those things happen?”
I should have been there with Alan as he tenderly fell. I should have been there holding his head as I watched him breathe for the very last time. My tears should have been that last thing to fall upon his face, I should have been there to kiss him goodbye.
So the very thing that I struggle the most with in my life, was handed over. I would have been much better at caring for someone sick, being there for them as slowly the moments of their life slipped away. I would have found more solace in that. But that is just the thing…..we do not get to choose. We are handed situations and it is then on our shoulders to sustain.
On the flip side of that story, my best friend Jennifer lost her mother a few years ago. She was an only child so her mother was her everything. Leah Mae got sick. We found ourselves in the cold antiseptic arms of a hospital room watching this beloved woman discover that she was ill, that her little body was devoured with cancer and we felt the calming resolution wash over our bodies as we heard the words, “she does not have long.”
Just as I would have taken any other instance for the passing of my husband, Jennifer’s biggest fear and worry was that she would have to watch someone she loved more then anything in the world slowly fall into death’s arms, yet that is what she was handed.
I watched this woman, this best friend, this sister of mine diligently comfort and succor this woman, her mother, who had loved her ,her entire life. I watched as death took one step closer each passing day and I watched this friend of mine shine brighter then I ever thought possible.
In the quiet moments when she could sneak away we would talk to one another and she would cry and I would listen as she poured out her anger at the unfairness of it all. I listened as she anticipated that last breath her mother would take and how she was tortured with thoughts of how she would handle it. I wanted more then anything in this world to be able to walk that path for her. If I could have crawled inside her soul and held her and she endured, I would have. Yet this alone was her road and she was the only one who could hold her breath and simply place one foot in front of the other.
I watched her do this with grace, and dignity and beauty.
So each of us were handed the most heart-rendering moments of our lives. Each would have preferred the others journey but in the end……that is the whole point. We are here to learn, to be presented with moments that bring us to our knees and then to carry on. We are suppose to hold one another’s burdens. I know that I would not have survived the loss without Jennifer and I hope that in some small way I carried her in my arms as she laid her mother to rest.
I learned that it is okay to have to tell people goodbye. That it truly does break your heart and you mourn them every time they dance through your thoughts, but you can survive.
I learned that I can trust people more then I thought and that little piece I held back thinking it kept a part of me safe, I now hand over while whispering the words, “here is the last little part of me…….and I want you to hold on to it for me so that when I am lost and cannot find my way I can come to you and you can help me find myself.” Just a little girl lost.
Jennifer learned that she is much stronger then she ever thought. That grace and compassion and love have the ability to engulf you and carry you to places you could not even imagine sustaining though. Jennifer also learned that it is okay to let go, to whisper to her mother that it would be okay for her to leave, that she would be loved and cared for and strong. Such lessons given in the most unlikely of packages.
And so the changing of the seasons…… sometimes released upon you without warning and other times guided in through still moments of change….but either way…..things move forward, and so must we. And as the harshness of winter settles upon our weary souls we will have peace because we know in a very short while we will be bathed in the the rebirth of Spring.
Just as the seasons come and go and usher in beautiful transformation, we to change…..and that is a magnificent gift.
Maybe I should start showering standing up……
Surly. That word PERFECTLY describes my temperament today. So left for school this morning and headed for class….sometime soon I am going to tell you about my first day at school and you will get to witness the inner insanity up close and in person but for now….I headed to class. Yoga first. I talked with Jennifer all the way to class (we have been in a bit of a fight because when we valeted the car in Salt Lake the other day when they guy asked me what my name was she answered for me…..First name ASS……Second name HOLE!!! I had to give it to her….I was not upset that she called me an ass hole I was upset THAT SHE THOUGHT OF THAT AND I DIDN’T!!! That rarely happens….I tend to surround myself with people who are not as cunning or clever or hell, lets just put it out there….beautiful and then I just sit back and pull faces….but that day….my best friend SMOKED ME!
So driving to Yoga found me talking and laughing and loving her. She is my family. She is my sister. She loves me better then anyone else on this planet and there is such solace in that.
Got to class and walked in and IMMEDIATELY saw a NEW GIRL!!! hee hee hee….new MEAT!! I have COMPLETELY rated, analyzed and JUDGED everyone in the class and have a little mental list of where they fit in the scheme of weirdness so this was exciting….this might throw my entire list off depending on her actions. I knew it was going to be good because she was already flitting around with crazy eyes trying to figure out where her yoga mat was suppose to go! I barged over in her direction almost taking out two other students and marched right up an introduced myself. She was grateful to have someone in the class offer to help and it did not hurt that I appear to be a yoga expert…(I wear outfits with a little foreign language on them at least somewhere to make it appear that I have studied with the zen masters on Mt. Vesuvius) but really for all I know it could say…. look at my big butt I am a Taco Bell consumer! but it looks impressive!!
We get our mats out and prepare to undress to begin the class and I am just going about my business (actually admiring my feet…..had a pedicure and man they are STUNNING)…..when I heard an unzipping noise coming from the newbie……I turned and looked at her and she was taking off her exercise pants and as she bent over to pull them down I had to physically SLAM my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming……Standing before me was a bonafide North American, Utah flavor, jello eating, aqua net wearing YETTIE!!!! My eyes damn near popped out of my head. Now I know some of these earth loving chicks think it is a bold move to not shave their arm pits but this girl had hair in places I am pretty sure you are NOT suppose to have hair!!!! Then my mind immediately jumped to the fact that she wore pants that had ZIPPERS…..OH MY HELL!!!! You can’t be zipping things up and down when you are sporting more hair then Fabio!!!! Well from there on out my Yoga class was a joke….I could not get in the zen moment because I kept peaking to see if she had gotten board and started corn rowing the hair on her legs…….
So a few hours of rest (Biology class 
…..and I was done. I had to go down to the financial aid office to fill out an application for fafsa…..(which is “here, we think you are mildly retarded and you are making an effort to go to school so we are going to help you”…..even though we are going to require you wear a sticker that says “yes I get fafsa and yes I am mildly retarded (and I wrote “only in math” on mine) I am willing to admit my weaknesses once in a while but lets not go crazy……
So I got the information for the application and headed to the computer area to get online to fill out the application. You have to know I am completely annoyed at this point. I totally think those little nerd guys who work in the office should just fill all of that out FOR YOU…..I have better things to do and I know they don’t, well besides Mafia Wars or Zelda….
So I am wading through the BILLION questions on this application and these girls come and start using the computer directly behind mine….so the backs of our computers were touching. They were giggling and laughing and acting like idiots and I was thinking….”come on Lisa, they are just having fun….probably just came in from the car where they were sniffing glue.” I continued with my paper and the little snippits got louder and louder. So I leaned forward between the computers and said, “come on ladies, I know you think Robert Pattinsen is the GREATEST and that your having a good time here but I need you to keep the volume down.” ( when I told this story to Jen she told me I was the mean OLD student….every college has one.) So they said sorry and then went back to their blathering. After about two minutes they started up again, one girl in particular (looked like a brunette version of Big Bird) could NOT keep her voice down……so I sat back in my chair and looked at them and said “come ON!”……again they spoon fed me the we are so sorry bullinski but within a few minutes were right back at it with their fog horns. Now I am a loud girl….I talk loud, I laugh loud, I cry loud so I can appreciate women who can hold their own….but this was neither the time nor the place for this horse shit…..I needed SILENCE.
So I methodically began running down my list of possible solutions.
1. Leap across the desk and use one of my moves, created for the day that I meet up with the smasher of my car window.
2. Stand up and call them out in front of eveyone…. reiterate that I had asked them SEVERL times to pipe down.
3. Politely send them a little embossed note card with a cursive L on it, politely requesting AGAIN that they SHUT THEIR DAMN PIE HOLES!!!
4. Tattle tale on them.
I decided to give them the “look”. Now this look you have to know had been known to throw my children right into a stuttering drooling state in mere seconds so I knew it was a little unfair for me to pull out the big guns…but none the less.
When I got little to no reaction for the “look” (which surprised the HELL out of me) I revised my plan….
My lightning quick thinking presented me with the perfect solution……so I bent down underneath the table and reached for their power cord and ripped it from the wall. As their computer screen went dark and their shocked eyes sought out mine…..I smiled and cocked my head and said “done.” They quietly gather their things and moved along. Secretly I was a little sad that I did not get to unleash one of my “moves.”
With that little drama over with I got to the financial part of the application and it asked me what my earnings for 2008 were….I laughed out loud at that point and got my tax packet our to see what my accountant Matt had put…..
-58,689.00
YES! NEGATIVE!!!!
So I typed that in the little box and hit submit. Well a little window popped up and said “you did not enter a valid number please revise.” So I typed it in again…..
-58,689.00
again no go…..So I marched into the administrators office and said “what the hell??” ( I really did not say that but I WANTED TO!)
So he follows me back to the computer and tries typing it in himself (like I am retarded and could not have done that much myself) and again it came up as not going to work. So he looks at me and says type in zero…….. and I said “NO!” I did not HAVE zero…I had NEGATIVE 58,689.00 and I want that number. So he goes into this spewing of computer spread sheet crap that I have no idea what he is talking about and I said “listen punk, I have dealt with a lot of CRAP this past year and trudged through a lot of mess that I DID NOT CREATE and I WANT MY NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!”
With the fear of God in his eyes he called his supervisor and they figured out a way to give me my negative.
I think they were happy when I left.
Can’t imagine why.
3 a.m.
Today as I softly brushed her hair, I felt you. You do that to me from time to time, in the heavy warm afternoon hours of my day when time slows down a bit. It use to make me mad, when you would cross my mind, just passing through. I would be doing the most ordinary things like tending my flowers or folding the laundry or cleaning a window and I would catch myself not breathing and then the silence would come and I would close my eyes and you would be there. Those moments filled me with sorrow laced with dread and forgotten thoughts of you would grab me by the throat and carry me to places that I did not want to go. Whisk me down windswept memory lanes lined with laugher and happiness and tender moments of you. And then the sadness would fall upon me and more then anything in the whole world I would just want to forget.
But today…..today as I stood there brushing her hair in her smile I caught glimpse of you….just there beyond the sparkle in her eye. I closed my eyes and let the silent tears escape and I whispered hello. I told you I missed you, that the sun has never quite filled my room with light since you left. I told you how much I missed your hands. Those hands that placed a ring on my finger, those hands who held each of our babies in the air celebrating their births, those hands that traced my hair when my body was weak with illness, your hands…..that fit perfectly inside mine.
And it was then that I started thinking about people. Sooner or later we all have to learn the painful lesson that the people who we love…..will let us down. At some point they falter…..we all do. I am always a little amazed at myself, my reactions my reflections……how surprised I am each and every time someone I loves breaks my heart. I guess I suppose that each time it will surly be the last….yet cloaked in the wears of a human being….we are not perfect and sometimes we falter. Now do not get me wrong I do not profess that I am incapable of cultivating heartache…..becasue I can. As the years train me and teach me and make me smarter I come to realize that we can only be responsible for ourselves. So as for me and my life….I will love the people that I hold close to my heart with every last ounce of my soul, I will never think the words “I love you” and not let them set sail from my lips, I will try with all of my might to live my life so that one day….one day when the twilight days of my life are upon me, I will not look back and say “I wish I would have.”
So for me….today I will laugh, I will laugh and play with the ones that I love. I will cry, cry with a broken heart that is longing to be mended. I will walk through the earth and let the cool mud seep up in between my toes, I will dive down a slip and slide in a prom dress and heels decorated with my grandmothers pearls……and I will dream. I will dream of tomorrow and all of the grand adventures just patiently waiting to sweep me away. And yes…….. yes,I will dream of you. I will remember the melody of your laughter twirled up in mine…..and I will be grateful that I loved you. For each life that touches ours, even in the seemingly most quiet of ways leaves a mark, makes a brush stroke, stains a bit with color and in the end when we stand back and look…..those marks and strokes and stains and tears and moments of uncontrollable laugher will make up the masterpiece that is our lives.
The Ugly Cry and Other Amazing Tricks
Today…… Today I found myself chased down by the infamous “Ugly Cry.” You know…that cry where you lose every ounce of control in your facial muscles (some people also lose control of other bodily issues but we will not discuss that at this time) and tears and snot and sounds come from you that you did not even know existed!! I like to think that I am a pretty rational and in control woman but sometimes, when your heart breaks just the right way, that ugly cry leaps out an attaches itself to your face like a crazed iguana.
Luckily I got most of the sobbing out this morning and aside from looking like a berserk inmate that had escaped the insane asylum, sporting a raging case of pink eye and babbling in some language that has not been invented yet, I thought I was good. It was not until I was at the drive through, and the 9-year-old employee working the window asked me a simple little question, did the breakdown return in raging glory. All it took was six little words to put me right over the edge…..AGAIN!!. “Would you like fries with that?” a valid question considering were I was but instantly I heard myself blathering on about fries…do I want fries? Hell there are so many things I want…..I want relationships with people I love to go on forever, I want my kids to forget the word Mom just for 24 hours, I want the neighbors dog to quit shitting on my lawn (I have trained MY dog to poop on theirs as payment), I want the mean little midget on Survivor to get what’s coming to him, I want to be buried alive in Jimmy Choo’s…want to be able to slap people who are acting like idiots and not get arrested…..I want the crust cut off all of my sandwiches….I want Consuela to fold my towels correctly (seriously how many times do I need to show her)and yes….hell….I would like fries with that.
But at the end of the day…..We all need the “Ugly Cry” to visit once in a while. I would prefer that it not spring when I am trying to look sane at the local McDonalds, but hey…. Maniacs can’t be choosers. We all need to let go of everything and lay on the front lawn and WAIL once in a while. Let pain go, let frustrations go, let hurtful relationships go, let pent up gas go…..oh wait did I really write that…… We need to just release it all, (yes I did have on a pair of my mothers Depends to catch the “all” that was released).
And guess what. When it is all said and done and out hearts release the pain and we find we are still standing do we……. (holy cow I just pulled a Karate kid and caught a fly with my BARE HANDS just now…..sorry to interject that but DAMN….just when I don’t think I can POSSILBLY get any more impressive I pull out a “man who catch fly with chopsticks can accomplish anything” move…..) Okay back to my thought……Oh hell the thought is ruined…..I am totally distracted by my insanely amazing moves right now…..from now on just refer to me as……Mayagi……and that’s Queen Mayagi to you…..now I am off to practice my crane technique.
Happily Ever After
I believe in happily ever after, even if it does not feel very happy right now. It is never to late to become that person you were always meant to be. Life is a funny thing, you may think that you know exactly where your feet are carrying you, but if the trees that forever blow in Idaho had a voice they would sing a song of this life. “Bow to the storms they would say, you can stand in the wind without breaking.” You will never know just how strong you really are without braving the tempests that threaten to carry you away.
I believe sometimes the knight in shining armor cannot save you, even though he wants to more then anything else. Sometimes you have to save yourself. Now and again the castle where you lay your head at night is not the kingdom you had imagined and you find it is all you can do to just feel the light breaking through the miles and miles of gray, but I believe the sun is there…..just waiting on us.
I believe that tribulation rewrites the stories of our lives, changes the cast of characters and alters the things that we think we know, and yet our stories go on.
I believe in taking risks that feel good in your heart, and looking for moments that will inevitably take your breath away. This life is not about how much you have, or how much you rule….it is simply about how much you give of yourself and in that giving away, in some strange way you come to know yourself a little more.
I believe in striving for the greatness that is hidden within each of us, that ability to blossom into something more beautiful then the world has ever known. It is having the courage to be the very best you, having the fortitude to fight and to be fearless enough to leave the world a little better place then you found it.
I believe that compassion and grace do not depend on suffering to exist, but in the dark corners of the night where suffering and despair hide, you will find grace, standing guard ablaze, in a million different facets and hues.
I believe that trouble and pain dwell in their seasons, that they come and pass and will return again forever changing the landscapes of our lives but even when the temper of this life engulfs us if we strain our eyes hard enough we will see space enough for the light to return.
I believe hope tucks itself into the most unexpected places. You can find hope in the Popsicle stained smiles of your children and hope in the song of their laughter. When you quietly tuck them in at night and look into their little eyes and whisper to them to “dream on, when the morning comes I will be here waiting and I am going to make everything all right.” Every moment be it good of bad has a melody of its own and when played together creates the symphony of our lives. Though I find myself all alone trying to create a life and build a home and at times it is harder then I ever imagined….when my eyes close at night I know that all I need to do is hold on tight.
I believe in being a dreamer. Hearing the limits that are laid out before me and reaching deep within my soul and finding the courage to love a little stronger, serve a little deeper, laugh a little louder and twirl in the wind as it ribbons though my hair.
And in the end no matter what the script of your life says you are going to be…..I believe we are the ones that write our own stories and at any turn those pages can be filled with poetry.
Staging my counter attack!
Okay so first full day back to school after the “attack”. I got up and went for my J Crew sweater and Banana Republic jeans and then I came to my senses…..You can stage a counter attack dressed like a MOM that shops at JC Penny!! You have to have your fighting wardrobe on…..and yes I wore steel toed ballet flats today.
So dressed in my baggiest jeans and black t-shirt (turned inside out just so I looked a little crazy) and every colored bandana I could find tied all over my body I headed for school. Just a little side note…..to the gang people….you need to make little diagrams of where you are suppose to tie the gang signs and color coordinate it so when suburban mothers need to look “gangsta” it will be an easier process…I must have re-tied them fifty times because I did not think I had it right..and they looked to Christmas bow like….when I get this figured out I will be posting a diagram of proper gang etiquette….
I walked around my school strutting my most hard core swagger with my head cocked a little to the side and only looked forward with one crazy eye…..it felt very intimidating.
While walking around wrapped in my most menasing attitude and I rounded a corner and just about smacked into a fellow student. Poor kid. I screamed and jumped back and tossed my books to the floor and prepared to THROW DOWN…..(I brought a mini scrapbook cutter in case I needed to slice anyone up…….scrapbooker style.
It is a strange feeling to walk around on high alert. I remember feeling that way the morning Alan did not come home…Just that little pit on your stomach and every nerve in your body standing at attention and like you are on the biggest cliff of your life and someone is going to walk up behind you and shove you to your death……
It was lunchtime and….I wanted to go to Café Rio for lunch but I started thinking and I did not want to have to take out 25 employees….and it was not until I was seated on the front steps of the school waiting for my best friend Jennifer (who is a black girl…..oh ya…I dare you to come at me with a sista standing there) (actually I BEGGED her to come and just walk around school with me the whole day because if you can imagine….chick looks crazier THEN ME but being raised in Springville Utah she is actually the whitest person I know)….but anyways it was not until I was sitting on the front steps of the school waiting for Jennifer to come get me and some punk skater (probably in my yoga class) came to throw something in the garbage and I lept in the air into a Jimmy Choo (that’s my favorite shoes just working it in so when I hit the big time I can say I represented)….or is it Jackie Choo….Jackie Chan???? Whatever a WAY impressive defense stance…that I realized I might have just flown the “coo coo” coop.
If it can happen. . . it will!
I am becoming a firm believer in the statement….”if it can happen….it will”, especially if it pertains to me.
Thursday. It sat on the edge of my bed that morning greeting me as I woke up dressed very much like all the other days of the week. I opened my eyes and wondered what kind of excuse I would have to come up with to be able to just roll back over and burrow back into the covers, but then I heard my kids screaming and I knew it was no damn use. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my heavy days….starting with breakfast and hairspray and three little girls who are never quite satisfied with their outfits or their bangs I had to be a mother, a maid, a taxi driver and a student enrolled in 8 hours of class. Most of my children fell for my smile as they bounded out the front door and only one, my Andrea looked at me and snickered and I knew that I was busted!! She had figured out that to me 8:23 is the issuing in of the GOLDEN HOUR…..the golden hour of silence…the only time during the whole week I can actually hear myself think.
I stood in front of the mirror admiring my hair and my white teeth and my stunning eyes and as the curling iron dropped the last perfect curl…..with resolution in my heart I winked at myself and said “Girl, this is going to be a good day.” I would like those famous last words served a la carte if you please.
I drove to my first class at SlCC and giggled just a bit as I knew Yoga I was SURE to bring some material for my distracted brain to muddle over. I mean what the hell, how can you not laugh at twenty something skater dudes in cigarette pencil pants trying to contort their rear ends into positions I am quite sure their mother’s would not approve of. Yoga is a beautiful thing and while I have not completely come to ground station it always seems to bring out the competition in me. Some days I find myself limping down the hall as I have held the warrior pose just a few minutes to long. I find myself looking around at the other students in my class and thinking “hell she does not even have cute hair…..surly I can hold out longer then HER!” So I do, I freeze and sustain and suffer just so when I close my eyes at night I can say that I…..a widowed 36 mother of four held the downward dog longer then the 18 year old with the tight rear end.
Biology brought out my inner ocd….which I like to refer to cdo (which is ocd only with the letters in their proper order.) Notes, notes and more notes…..a freak like me’s perfect dream! My notebook rather looked like an example page from the asylum in Salt Lake….I can’t remember the name right now, but they know me by reputation. Color-coded, labeled, numbered, even little dots of fingernail polish so I can remember the darling outfit I had on the day I took the amazing notes…. It is understood that I sit on the front row….partly because I am convinced that it gets you in with the teacher, partly because I am vain and I don’t want wrinkle marks from squinting and MOSTLY because if there is a fire or a school shooting I don’t want to have to trample to many people while I save the most important thing in the room….ME. Well me and my shoes.
After class I had an hour break and I did as I always do and I march on down to the student gathering area, I pull up a chair and prepare to enjoy the freak show. I realize that this is college and there are a great many different types of people who conjugate….but really DO ALL THE FREAKS HAVE TO GO TO MY CAMPUS!!! I feel sorry like maybe I should post a little sign, sometimes that says, “Smile, you are being judged.” At least give the little weirdo’s a heads up.
I had a little extra skip in my step that day because I knew that art class was going to take us out on our first remote location. I was THRILLED!! Surrounded by earthy art students who do not shave their arm pits and an occasional crazy homeless person…..that is like CHRISTMAS! We all met at Liberty Park and parked together and met as a group. It was thrilling because we had to stand in a circle and this gave me a better view of my fellow students SHOES!! You could have a gold star from heaven stuck to your forehead but if your shoes stink …..in my book..…you’re out! Our professor finally arrived and we each picked a location in the park to paint. I spread out my art supplies and settled into the coolness of the grass and let my inner Van Gogh come out….. Secretly I have always wanted to cut off my ear just for the sheer drama of it. I spent three lovely hours draped in the powder blue sky and watching my paintbrush dance and twirl on the page leaving scant traces of stain in remembrance of the things my eyes had just seen. The minutes played tag with the hours and soon the hours won out and class was over. I gather my supplies and headed to my car.
I got there and opened the back of my van (I know I know hardly the thing you expect royalty to travel around in) and placed my masterpieces inside. As I walked around to the passenger side of the car I looked at the ground, distracted by all of the little green jewel like sparkles at my feet. After a minute I realized it was GLASS!! “Holy hell” slid right from my lips, I barely know how to put gas in the car so I had better be a little more aware of the places I park, still the glass did make a pretty little rainbows on the ground and really….what is more important? Flat tires or a happy little sparkly distraction…..ummmmmm ya I am going with the shiny distraction…
Then after a moment of la la la adoration I looked up and heard a primal scream leap from my soft supple lips…..Someone had SMASHED out my window and the little pieces of the emerald city that carried me back to my childhood days, skipping the yellow brick road to oz, were actually parts of my ever practical Honda Odyssey minivan!!!
I clasped my hands to my throat (as if I had been personally attacked) and looked around in aggravated HORROR to see if anyone else was watching as the queen of everything beautiful was being violated!!!! I did not even know what to do. Do you call 911? Do you scream out for help? Do you drop to your knees and wail “Why me? Why me? “ Or do you simple slump down on the curb next to Enrique (I think that was the crazy homeless guys name) and rock and drool? So I did what any smart capable college attending woman would do…..I FREAKED OUT and psycho called and texted my Bishop about 30 times!!! Finally the man answered and said “Lisa what is it, I am in a multi-million dollar investment meeting?” To which I quickly replied “I don’t care if you are in a meeting with Jesus himself, I am at Liberty Park and you need to come get me!!!!”
He calmly (which irritated me more!! Did he not realize that someone had actually dared TOUCH SOMETHING OF MINE!)? talked me through the next few steps of the situation. He instructed me to call the police. JUST THE POLICE!!!! I think this warrants the special division of the FBCIA or whatever it is!!!
It was just about this point that I started thinking….hmmmm I wonder what they stole out of my car. So I gingerly opened the door and threw m head back like a big ole southern Baptist woman and cried out “Oh Lordy say it isn’t so!” All of my schoolbooks and notebooks and bags and journals and fingernail color-coded perfection GONE! I had to grab hold of the car to keep from wilting on the ground. My purse, my cards, make-up, my sunglasses and 600.00 in school books GONE BABY GONE!!!
It was just about this time that I received a text informing me that a check…..A HUGE check that I had deposited the following week had a stop payment placed on it because they were not sure they mailed it to the correct address. The world seemed to slump into a strange slow motion at that point as my mind danced between my recent violation and visions of myself draped in cheap orange polyester and the inevitable fact that I would be some mullet sporting biker chicks bitch in the State Pen at the point of the mountain. Sadly, but truthfully., I could not decide what was worse the polyester or the bitch.
The police came and we settled all that we could settle (but secretly I wanted to say “hey boys I deposited a bum check so I will be seeing you again real soon”). I took a deep breath and forced a smile.
Then after a very stern conversation with my deceased husband, in which I poignantly asked him why he could not find the time to guard my car for three hours while he was up there polishing the silver lining on the clouds, I got in my car and headed back home to deal with the bank matter.
At this point you have to realize that I had been bawling a good two hours. My fake eyelashes were now dangling in my eyes, my eyebrows were smudged across my forehead and my lip stick had somehow migrated to my cheekbone….not an appropriate way for an elitist to be presenting, but not much I could do….the damn thieves stole my eyelash glue AND my stapler.
When I arrived at the bank I marched inside and headed for the first teller, the poor boy. He almost jumped when he looked up and saw me melting there in front of him. I began to sob and uttered that I had been robbed and that I had deposited a bum check and that the police had been there and that I did not want to have a mullet haired girlfriend and he just looked at me with a look of sheer confusion, as he promptly called for the bank manager.
The manager came out of his office and quickly ushered me into his office to avoid further spectacle. When we got in there I was crying and sniffling and trying to smash my detached eyelash back into place while explaining about the check. I looked that man right in the eye and asked him if he was going to have me arrested. He assured me that they do not arrest people for unknowingly depositing bad checks to which I responded with a hearty “Did you push the panic button under the desk?” He cocked his head and looked at me and said “what?” I sat forward in my chair and looked him in the eye and said “Don’t think for a minute that I don’t watch CSI buddy…..I know there is a button under that desk to alert the police when freaks come into the bank!” “And all I want to know….is DID YOU PUSH IT??????” He looked like a chicken about to be sucked into a Hoover vacuum. “We do not arrest people for that ma’am” he again uttered. At that point I was not sure if I was more upset with the fact that he would not cop to calling the police on me or that he called me MA’AM!!! MA’AM!?!?!?!? What the hell!! That is what people called my GRANDMOTHER!
At this point he leaned forward and whispered that maybe I wanted to stop yelling out that I was going to be arrested…The man was sweet. Horrified, dazed and completely taken back but sweet nonetheless. Secretly I was thinking that he half wondered if I wasn’t completely mad and he wanted to pad things on his end in case I came back in a few hours yielding an Uzi!
After leaving the bank I headed to the Honda dealership to see about the broken window and YES I was still driving around with half the glass in and half the glass out….it made me feel like more people would feel my injustice!
The more I drove the more upset I got thinking about all of the notes and homework and books that I could not afford to replace. The tears welled back up and that last piece of eyelash glue that was holding that lash on gave way its hold. I pulled into the dealership going 40 mph and skidded into a handicapped stall (hell if I was going to prison for check fraud parking in a handicapped stall was the least of my worries). I left the engine running and the driver side door open as I ran into the open car bay.
HAHAHAHA….I have to laugh at this point because the little oil monkey that was working there turned around and took one look at me and could not even keep his mouth from falling open. I am sure that he only REALLY saw people in that complete state of dishevelment, with one eyelash on and one eyelash off, in his nightmares.
In-between sobs I explained that my car had been broken into and that there was glass everywhere and I needed a new window. I was shocked when three other men came running out of the back and began looking to the perpetrator. They were hitting me with a million questions and though I was confused I was happy that someone FINALLY was giving this the dramatic attention that it was due! It was only then that I realized that they thought that the assault HAD JUST HAPPENED!! I then had to explain that no, contrary to what stood before them, the incident had taken place three hours prior and in Salt Lake. They were so utterly and completely confused….hahahahha. The one man put is arm around me and helped me into the parts area and stood there with me while I ordered a new window. I looked at him through tear stained eyes and asked if he was the one that was going to be installing the window and he said no ma’am (a DOULBE WAMMY FOR THE DAY) I just rotate tires but I will stand here with you till you are done. I know as payment I have provided him with a GREAT story to tell for years and years.
It was not until they informed me that I would have to duct tape a Hefty Bag to the car window that I truly had a breakdown.
I finally made it home and called my mother to have her lick my wounds and tell me all was going to be all right….to which she replied, the ever vigilant Pollyanna “Maybe the thug will see your fantastic Biology notes and give up his life of crime and become a Biologist or like the polish and become a drag queen….”
Thanks mom.
