And the dance of a new year…..sweeps me away
So here we go.
A new year.
As my mind falls back upon the moments of 2009, I am shrouded with memories of moments that made me proud of the woman I am and moments that cause my eyes to fall to the floor, in shame.
A year ago this day found me just beginning my journey at school. Found me a little more broken a lot more unsure of my footing and not really sure that all the pain was worth it.
This is still after all just a story of a girl.
I want very much to say a “simple” girl from Logan Utah, but if you know me at all…..there is truly nothing simple about me.
Last year was sprinkled with moments full of fake boob inserts, and smashed out car windows, and eccentric teachers and moments that reminded me that even when the sky is the darkest…there is always reason to laugh.
I was bound in moments frosted with blessings. Winning the Soroptomist Award, the first semester of gettint straight A’s…..and watching my babies heal a little more every day.
I always rather thought the whole new year thing was rather cliche. After all if you were not already striving to be that person you want to be…..a date in the year is not going to change anything.
But having tasted the bitter waters of the past two years….finding myself laying on the hard bathroom floor, sobbing myself to sleep, having hurt more then I even imagined a person could hurt and still walk around and face the day, it is good to have a new start.
God meant it to be that way.
I am so in love with the seasons of the year and I use to think it was a metaphor for our lives….born in the spring and death in the winter….baby to elderly.
I see now with eyes that are more clear. There is not only but one season of our life….every year is a season and a pallet for change.
Every year….we are born in the Spring and we have the whole year ahead of us, laid out. Flawless and white it holds the allure of a million possibilities, a gift to carry forward the good things in your life and a precious chance to change the things that you know need changing.
Then Summer…..warm and ripe and a time to work hard. A time to be brave and take chances and risks, to have the courage to make changes in your life and changes in that person who is looking back at you, from inside the mirror.
Long days when the pansies that line the floor of my fathers greenhouses, stretch with their little faces and follow the sun.
A time to play and laugh and take a moment and lay on the cool grass and remember that though this life is hard, and it is so hard sometimes, that this is all here that we may have joy. Joy…..think about that word. We are here that we may have JOY.
I think there is happiness sprinkled all about us….we are the ones that focus on the sad, and the ugly, and the imperfections in one another. We choose to ignore the watercolor shades of the sunset and focus on the crack in the sidewalk.
Then Fall, my favorite of the seasons…..A time to harvest. A time to not only take note of the accomplishments of the past year, but a time to gather in your fruits, mine are my children, and see how much they have grown and changed. How their hair is a little longer, their bodies a little taller and their minds hungry for the stories of the world.
The colors of fall are warm and the feeling is tepid. There is comfort…and peace and a readying for winter to rise and take her place.
And so she does…..with the first silent snow fall of the season. The coldness moves in and with it arrives silence and a precious time to sit and reflect. A retracing in your mind of the steps your feet carried you through the last year. Fingerprints of yourself that were left behind not only on situations but on people….hoping they were left in places that were good….and if not, a chance to try again.
I am learning that life is never going to be simple. It is never going to just flow along without the smooth stones to dance about…..but I am also learning that I would not have it any other way.
So as this year begins a new….this little girl finds herself still standing.
Take a moment to take it all in. Good or bad, filled with immense happiness or riddled with unimaginable sorrow…..the last year of this life was a gift, and here you are…..much like me……..
Still standing.
May this new year bring you more joy then you could even conceive existed…..bring you trials that challenge the strength of your heart….. opportunities to give more of yourself then you ever thought you could give….and love. More love then pools in your eyes can take in.
We find ourselves in the spring of another year…..write your stories well.
moments with my mother…..
How quickly I again, was brought back to that place, where I began almost two years ago.
Tuesday afternoon I was home, getting ready to meet my “muse” who was in town for a short stay, and the message sought me out.
News that my mother was very ill and that she was being admitted to the hospital. Three hours away in Idaho Falls.
All at once that war with loss and death and fear that I have been fighting against, returned and raised its angry head and with one motion, carried my breath from me.
The last two years were suddenly sucked from beneath me and I was once again standing at the top of the staircase in Summerwood, hearing the words “he is gone.”
Soon I found myself driving that lone stretch of highway that leads to Idaho Falls. Dull flickers of light that illuminated the faces of strangers as I passed them by watching their headlights be swallowed in the darkness.
The sins of that road to Idaho: flatness, emptiness, a necessary acceptance of things in my life that cannot be changed, a night sky heavy with the last words of Alan’s life……..and perhaps that of my mother’s.
I thought my body should have adapted more quickly to the cry of probable tragedy, but it was wrapped in fear and my mouth shook as I tried to hold the screaming in.
I use to once love that ride, as you love a familiar friend, who once again finds their way into your life. I loved how on a clear day, you could swear you could see into forever. The curves and bends of the road, beautiful like a woman back, winding hidden in the bluffs that carried you into Idaho. I knew every mile, every slumping hill and every reaching tree line. Yet, the familairty that once held me, now rejected my impending advance, as three hours held me prisioner in a steel box.
I spoke my words aloud and then watched them as the hung in the darkness about my head. Words filled with a soft wash of fear and regret and promises made to God, anything to get me to the next mile marker which in turn, closer to my mother.
She is resting now. I can close my eyes and remember the familiar sound of her. Almost as if I were once again tucked inside her womb, carefully under her heart, where her gentle rhymythic breathing once soothed me to sleep.
Did not even bat an eye lash……
Tonight we took the kids bowling.
When we were finished I was sitting on the step digging through my purse looking for something for Sydney. I was pulling things out and sitting them down so that I could get through my purse easier.
Jen calls my bag “the Mary Poppins” purse because you never know what I am going to have in there…..
So I am taking things out left and right and all of a sudden the kids SCREAMED and I looked and I had pulled out my “fake boob inserts” which yes…I carry around in my bag and NOT my bra….
I started laughing and thought, “at what point are so you secure with yourself that you can pull out the cutlets and not even bat an eye lash?”
Well whatever point that is…..I have arrived.
On the plus side there were two quarters stuck to the sticky side…..bonus gum ball for me!
For me….I am there all the time.
So I just got home from a run. It is a beautiful day, funny to say that out loud. It is often a beautiful day but I hardly take the moments to look around and take note.
I have decided to run the Salt Lake City half marathon. My friend is being rather bullied into doing it but I started thinking about it and having a goal I can chase right now, will save me.
I have come to love running. I liked it when I was younger and then the years made my heart forget that tingle that covers your entire body as your blood is pushed by a willful heart.
The sweat that runs down your back and that moment when your heart is beating so heavily that you think you just might die right then and there……but then it comes.
That runners high.
Your weariness flows from your body and there is a rejuvenation that comes and you have so much energy that you are convinced if you pushed a little harder you could actually fly.
So as my steps pounded to the rhythm of my heart I thought about that concept.
I saw that run today with eyes that see a little more clearly.
In my mind I wrote myself a letter.
Dear Lisa,
Today you are 36 years old. Today you woke up to your life. Not at all the life you ever would have imagined for yourself, but your life none the less.
Picture perfect memories of your life hang on the walls of your house. Little pieces of you smiling out behind dingy panes of glass.
To the casual passer by, moments that could belong to anyone. Meager pieces of days now long gone, caught forever and decorated with frames of every kind.
Little Lisa, how I wish I could show you your path and how this story ends. How much I wish that I could put my hands on your face and lift your head so that you can see the long beautiful road that is spilled out in front of you.
Your eyes are focused on your feet, your gaze to the ground….watching the days crawl by.
Yet every now and then you take a moment to look, for just a second and you see the possibilities and the throughway, and for a moment you feel hope.
But then, as does with everyone, you tire and your eyes fall once more and the journey seems impossible.
But what you do not see Lisa…..is just beyond the horizon is a bend, a bend in the road that you cannot see right now. A turn that will carry you in a new direction and change the scenery that is laid about you.
Right now you are exhausted. Right now you feel like you cannot fight it anymore, but if you will but push forward, run a little harder, that bend will come and so will that runners high to carry you through.
Time finds you now staring at the door, wishing that it would open and he would come sweeping in like he did before. Wondering if you ever cross his mind. Getting lost in the darkness of the night and feeling so empty that you think your body is going to just fold in on itself and you will disappear.
How many times I have held you Lisa, while you have slept. Even though we are the same spirit, same heart, same girl…..I watch over you, even when you think you are alone.
You are capable of more then you even know. You have a tenacity that has always carried you through. One that lies in wait, so that just at the moment you cannot take another breath, there is a nascence and you find your footing once again.
Someday, many years from now, your eyes will again fall upon these words that I have written, and you will smile at how right they echoed as the years passed.
Look up, even if it is only for a moment. Look up and let all the possibilities hold you……
I love you Lisa,
I am proud of you, everyday.
Love,
The little girl that has been inside you all along.
